Sample Chapters

Something fucking crazy happened to me. I'm enlightened.

Imagine you haven't seen me in a while. It's a totally normal Tuesday. You park your shitty car, and we sit down in those comfy-ass chairs by the fire in a quaint little English pub. Through the window, there's a Blade Runner-esque vista—drenched in neon, pouring with acid rain. You ask, 'Hey, what's up? How you been? Still mopping stairs?' and take a swig of your pint of lager. I sip my chocolate milk and vodka while I eye a clown juggling several smaller clowns as he strolls past the window.

'There was a brief time when I could drive with my eyes closed because I had bat-like echolocation. I'm ninety percent sure there was a ghost living in my wall, and for nine months, it felt like I was on a natural acid trip. The lines between reality and dreams blurred, and now I know when someone talks shit about me on the astral plane. These were some of the more pleasant side effects of what I assume was the beginning of an ever-present multifaceted journey commonly referred to as enlightenment. But yes, I'm still mopping floors.'

I shit my pants.

Have you ever had one of those naps after work or school where you wake up, and it feels like you've been out for nine hours? You don't know your name, what year it is, or even where you are. Then, after a few groggy moments, it all comes back to you—Oh yeah, I remember. That's kind of what going through what we just read feels like. What a random enlightenment feels like.

Obviously, it's strange and a bit distressing when you think about it.

I'm not saying enlightenment isn't beautiful and amazing—it is. I was filled with this indescribable love, love for everything. And I'm more now. But seriously, what the fuck? What the fuck was that?

This was chaotic and wild and fun and scary. I don't usually want to scorch things from the earth—not normally. But clearly, I was going through some intense shit. Love and hate? Life and death? Everything and nothing? All attachments vanished. My sense of self completely dissolved.

Here's the thing: humans are wild about attachment. Not just emotional attachment—though that's a biggie—but to stuff. Physical crap that doesn't even matter. See those jeans you just bought? You didn't need those. Do you see me wearing trousers? No. They're the kind with holes in them already, like you paid extra for a broken toy. But the second you hold them, bam—attachment. You think they're part of your identity now.

That's attachment, baby. Welcome to the suck.

This whole place is built on attachment. Pogs? Remember pogs? No one needed pogs, but man, people acted like those shitty disks held the secrets of the universe. Same thing here—this market? It's a giant maze of crap you don't need, but you'll convince yourself it's essential the moment you touch it.